I went to church this morning with Grant’s mom and Sarah.
Can I just say, this is exactly what I’ve been needing?
I’m constantly surrounded by skeptics and non-believers, and that does not a good Christian make.
At the end of the day, I need to remember that I can’t make anyone believe anything because it’s not in my hands.
All I can do is teach through example. I am not a perfect being in any sense, but I am so much farther than where I’ve been, and anyone who knew me then and knows me now, and sees the change in me who desires the same for themselves..well, my love and testimony for God will stand as proof and guidance for them.
I can only pray for them.
I sat quietly in Sarah’s Sunday school class for like half an hour or something, and that was more inspiring than anything I’ve done in months.
I have all of this energy and all of these ideas that I see now can be honed towards His greater purpose, towards understanding His love and His word.
My head is all-a-jumble with new realizations and feelings and hope right now…I can’t really structure full sentences.
I think people denying the control our government has over our lives, is a lot like Fudge denying Voldemort’s return to power.
I am becoming amazed at my ability to let go. I was cleaning my room and I hold onto the stupidest things, and suddenly ker-plunk! it’s in the garbage with no effort :)
It’s about creating yourself.”
It really did.”
I dreamt that I was at a fair at ESA, riding some sweet-ass rides, and I was singing this verse the whole time. I kid you not, I dream that way a lot.
“There’s a lot that I don’t know
There’s a lot that I’m still learning,
When I think I’m letting go
I find my body, it’s still burning”
I didn’t realize how significant those lyrics were to me until my subconcious told me they were. Weird how the mind works.
You should not pray and throw it in people’s faces.
I will never judge anyone again. Who the fuck am I?
I think in comparison, I am worse.
It’s so easy to point out how you’re wrong and pathetic.
What about me, though?
What about being kind and understanding?
Where did that go?
How does my judgment of other people fit into my “Christian” lifestyle?
I am a formspring terrorist. There, I said it.
Let’s repent and get on with it. I don’t want this blood on my hands.
And this tunnel is lined with Grants, Kristyns and a very special little Maria. People who keep me going, and show me undeserved forgiveness and support.
I cleaned my whole friggin house today and my room looks immaculate and it feels amazing. And I bought a cute new dress and a shirt and some shirts and unda-weya. (say it outloud, and it will make sense.)
I tried to buy Kristyn a shirt, and my dad was like, “Are you crazy?! I can’t buy clothes for all your friends!!!” But I laughed on the inside at my random attempts at cuteness.
I feel like things are getting better. I shouldn’t wait until I’m totally fucked to pray as much as I have been. Thank you thank you thank you. God rocks.
I’ve been thinking about it, and anyone who has ever been friends with me in real life or on some social networking-blahblahblah, knows how opinionated I am. I’m not saying I’m not an overly inyourface bitch sometimes. I see this in myself.
So when I found God, naturally, my opinions about this subject I feel so passionate about are the same: I will fight it to the death and be proud of my way of seeing things. And I think when it comes to Christianity, that’s the way you have to be. That’s what God wants from you. Its the only way to love him, unconditionally and proudly, or not at all.
(Maybe not not at all, but you get what I mean.)
But I need serious lessons in how to talk to the unsaved about God in a way that appeals to them, cause I just seem to really annoy them.
Am currently reading “The Hobbit”
go eagles go!
But here I go anyway.
I read today that self-loathing has been compared to physical pain, and The coward in me wants to stay holed up and never show my face I can’t believe I’m fuckind stupid What happened I don’t
I read an article on eHow on how to forgive yourself. Please tell me there’s an end to this tunnel.
There has to be something good that will come out of this.
I’ve never appreciated what I had more than this and I know I will never, ever do anything to get hurt it again. I want to deserve trust. I don’t right now, but I know I will.
I think it’s going to take a lot of time on my part and everyone else’s. And maybe some blind feeling in the dark..
but what if I’m not worth it?
Rest assured, I feel exactly what I should be feeling. Every single agonizing bit of it. I know I deserve it. I can’t even…
It’s so hard keeping the pain at bay. I’m pushing myself to better myself in little ways and maybe the rest of my soul will follow suit.
Please God, please don’t let me lose Grant or Kristyn or Maria. I would never be able to live with myself. I know I don’t deserve them, but I will one day. Please don’t let them hurt on my account.
I am subhuman. Lower than low.
I need you God.
..only to know home I’d ever known.
I’ll stay the same.
Yours are the sweetest eyes
I’ve ever seen!